Sex Talk – By All Means Breastfeed, But…

Kudos to all the women who choose to breastfeed their babies, because breast milk is the healthiest option. And kudos, in a special way, for knowing the etiquette of how to do this. Didn’t you know there was one? Oh, there is. At least where I come from…

And in that place I weirdly come from, breasts are sacred all the way through life. Forget the Karimojong boobies that salute the wind as it whistles past; yeah, rich culture that one, I agree.

But today, I would rather talk about the other culture, where women and girls hide their breasts and only show them off (of late) as man-traps in the name of the now famous cleavage. Sometimes I feel for the poor men, who are lured to these ‘traps’ like bees to a flower garden, but when they eventually get to release these juicy-looking mounds from the traps (read push-up bras), they alarmingly roll out, and roll out, and roll out…like tiny mats.

I would relish a fly’s position on the wall, just to watch the incredulity on such a man’s face!

Sorry, I digress. So, it was breast feeding week recently. Hope you also resolved that for your future children, you will not be unleashing your breasts anyhow and anywhere in the name of baby’s feeding rights. Activists do not want to hear of this, but let us be realistic; until nine months ago, your boobs were also an erogenous zone to your husband and he would fight his friends viciously, if he as much as caught them staring at your chest.

Then baby pops, and you are with the same friends and you unleash one round mound after the other, plop it into baby’s mouth without covering up, as you swing your crossed leg with no care in the world? Hmm. That is the part I don’t understand.

So, later, you present the same breasts as a cardinal part of foreplay while making love to a husband who no longer finds anything mysterious about them? Do you also silently curse your beautiful babies for having ruined the sweet thing you had with your husband before they arrived, because he has become respectful – yes – but sexually uninterested? Well, blame only yourself.

I advocate breastfeeding, by the way. Even exclusively, if you can pull it off, but be careful not to ruin components in other departments of your marriage.

Last week, Mail Online, a UK publication reported that a woman in London was considering suing a public pool’s attendants who shooed her out of their swimming pool where she had unleashed her breasts to feed her four-months-old baby. They called it indecent exposure. So did the majority of readers who commented online, thank goodness.

It seems if you are tired of fantasising about a beautiful woman’s always concealed breasts, you only have to pray that her husband impregnates her soon. Then in nine months, you would only need popcorn to sit back in public places and watch those breasts pop out of their bra and into a baby’s innocent lips.

If baby is hungry in public and there is nowhere for you to go for a more private feeding session, then at least have a sheet handy to preserve your modesty and your husband’s curiosity. There are all these things we do in the name of modernity, including letting your baby-daddy see your ‘Missy down there’ gape angrily and sputter painfully as she pushes his babies; well, blame only yourself if he fails to stop seeing Missy medically after that.

But again, this is just me and my opinions. Of course you can totally do as you please. Pop those boobies out at the taxi park, in the bank queue, without any covering; and later, when the next baby comes, let baby-daddy be traumatised by all the blood, stretching and ripping… It is your marriage after all.

Happy breastfeeding y’all, meanwhile!

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